Beginning a new relationship can be likened to jumping into a body of water while relying on your ability to swim. Resuming an old relationship, however, can have a stranger feeling: as you sink, you’ll recall having previously navigated this puddle. The stages of getting back together with an ex can be both reassuring and terrifying; they combine nostalgia with the memory of times when the tides were high.
I’ve always had trouble letting go of people, whether they were toxic friends or unhealthful partners. I used to distribute second chances like flyers in college. In the pursuit of my “happily ever after,” I was so determined to establish a strong bond that I was prepared to ignore a great deal of warning signs. I’d impulsively get back together with my ex-lovers, wiping the slate as clean as my hard drive because I was so full of optimism. But as time has gone on, I’ve realized that relationships are not at all like computers—you can’t compartmentalize your baggage by dumping it all into an unmarked folder and ignoring the fact that it even exists. You will always be haunted by your previous records (and flames).
I started thinking about my experience every time I got back together with an ex so that I wouldn’t be overtaken by old emotions. These phases gave me the chance to deal with any worries, uncertainties, or insecurities I was facing because it’s perfectly normal to not feel okay when your life is in transition. Above all, always put your mental health and happiness first by acknowledging your emotions rather than holding them inside.
A smooth transition when getting back together with an ex, according to clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and podcast host Kristie Overstreet, can be achieved by acknowledging these stages and managing expectations. “We all have expectations, and a lot of the time we end up feeling disappointed and frustrated, not realizing that we had an unrealistic expectation,” she tells Elite Daily.
It’s simple to think that once you’re back together, everything will be ideal. But the unavoidable emotional upheaval doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision; it just means you’re going through the perplexing phases that come with getting back together with an ex.
Self-Doubt.
That little voice in your head that keeps asking if you’re doing it wrong when you decide to get back together with an ex-partner is probably going to be difficult to ignore. According to Overstreet, this inner voice is primarily there to keep tabs on us. The time to have a conversation with that voice, however, is when it spirals out of control.
Overstreet issues a warning: “What can happen, especially for people more prone to anxiety, is that it can get really loud and we can go into a dark spiral.”. She advises writing down your thoughts to nudge your brain back into the present when you find yourself in an overthinking spiral.
The reality is that there is no perfect relationship that can be predicted in advance because there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Try to differentiate between your gut feeling and your self-doubt, as difficult as that may feel at the time. Instead of being indecisive, trust your gut.
What Ifs That Never End?
Those two annoyingly small words, ah. You might feel a wave of comfort that comes from resolution once you’ve come to terms with your decision to get back together with your ex. In spite of this consolation, you might occasionally be plagued by the question “What if? “, which is not based in uncertainty but rather in anticipation.
What if there’s no turning back, what if we’ve changed, what if we shouldn’t have split up in the first place?
I’ve found that talking to my partner about my reunion anxiety in the past has always been beneficial. Sincere communication is always beneficial in relationships, and chances are, your partner already feels this way. If you feel comfortable opening up to your partner, think about starting a conversation so that you don’t have to navigate through this difficult time alone. And if you’re hesitant to voice your worries, consider why; it could be a sign that there is a deeper problem in your relationship.
If you do want to start this conversation with your partner but are concerned about starting a fight, Overstreet advises explaining that this is just a problem you are having and are hoping to solve as a couple. Instead of blaming the other person, she suggests using ‘I’ statements and taking responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions about the circumstance. “.
raising a wall.
You might experience a sense of relief once you’ve dealt with any anxiety you may have had about getting back together with your partner. Don’t worry, though, if you still feel awkward when it comes to emotional and/or physical intimacy and prefer to move more slowly than you once did. Breakups can be excruciatingly painful, and you might be worried about going through that pain again.
According to Overstreet, “our defense mechanisms protect us.”. “You won’t likely enter the room feeling particularly vulnerable if people were injured the last time in any way. “.
Our natural reaction to having our heart broken is frequently to build a guarded wall. Don’t rush the process if it takes some time to overcome that barrier; you’re only human, so trust issues are to be expected. According to Overstreet, “as trust is built, vulnerability follows, and that wall will eventually come down. “.
Déjà Vu.
It’s difficult to treat a first date as such when you know exactly what the person on the other side of the table is going to order. As you take your time and get to know each other better, you might notice that things seem uncannily familiar.
Olivia Rodrigo, our pop princess, was unavailable for comment, but relationship expert Nicole Richardson, a therapist, previously told Elite Daily that “getting back with an ex can feel like slipping on an old favorite pair of jeans. They’re cozy and well-known, but they’re also connected to so many memories (cue the nightclub memories the moment you put on that timeless black pair).
Nostalgia can be tricky because, while it can be a useful tool for reconnecting, it can also take your attention away from the here and now. Instead of dwelling on the past, think about sharing new experiences with your partner. You could go to a new neighborhood or take a class together. To avoid living in the past again, create new memories.
I’m a little off.
Your relationship may seem to flow more easily once you both get into a routine, though not necessarily seamlessly. Schedules and organization can be beneficial because they offer a welcome diversion from the little things, which prevents you from becoming irritated by them. The fact that things feel a little strange, however, might be a sign that you both are hesitant to make a mistake. This may show up as being overly polite to one another, acting submissive in conversation, or being overly sorry. Always keep in mind that conflict in a relationship is completely normal and healthy. Instead of avoiding difficult emotions, it is much more beneficial to face them head-on.
There might be a tendency in brand-new relationships to be cautious around your partner. But Richardson argued that when you reconcile with an ex, you both bring baggage from your shared history that can’t be ignored.
“Remember that there is no blank slate here. Both of you are entering with an idea of how this could [or] should go, as well as some [hurt],” Richardson previously stated. Resentments should not be ignored during the initial “OMG I’m so happy this is working” phase. Instead, they should be addressed head-on as soon as possible. “.
When I first started seeing my current boyfriend, I used to worry a lot that every little argument meant our relationship was flawed and destined to fail. But over time, I’ve come to realize that, rather than agreement and uninterrupted bliss, the true pillars of a strong connection are compassion and flexibility.
Understanding the new normal.
When you finally let go of the fear of causing cracks in your relationship’s foundation, you can stop placing demands on how and where your relationship should be and instead begin appreciating and experiencing it as it is.
Your relationship’s method for becoming enduring and allowing room for expansion is simply to establish a “new normal.”. Since you initially split up for a reason, it cannot take on the same form as before, according to Overstreet. This brand-new norm must exist. “.
Although your partner may have been a part of your life for a long time, they currently play a different role, and that’s an exciting position to be in. Struggling for more will no longer be stressful once you accept your relationship’s “new normal” state. In order to truly see what is in front of you, there is a difference between knowing what something should look like and doing so.
Learning more about one another (again).
The best part of getting back together and adjusting to your new situation is realizing that you might now be two very different people. While meeting up with an old flame may seem frightening at first, it can unexpectedly completely renew your relationship.
Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. D. clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Bustle that during the separation before reunification, couples go through their own unique and new experiences. This can give them the opportunity to approach the relationship from a wholly different perspective, whether they decide to start therapy, change their careers, or start dating. Dr. Klapow said, “You have a chance at starting, essentially, a new relationship together when time and circumstances have truly changed who you both are. “.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and genuinely enjoy getting to know them all over again rather than approaching each interaction presuming to know what they’re thinking and how they’ll behave. Instead of thinking of this as the continuation of something boring, think of it as the beginning of something new (sorry, High School Musical reference).
There is no correct way to gradually reenter a relationship. Don’t force yourself to feel a certain way, and make sure you’re regularly assessing your emotional needs, whether it takes a few days or a few months. There is no harm in taking the chance and cannon-balling back in as long as your motivation is sincere. You may end up enjoying the current’s direction this time.
