Divorced people often realize after the fact how much they wish they had done differently during their marriages. Identifying issues and coming up with solutions can be challenging when you’re in the middle of a failing relationship. But with time and distance, everything may become clear.
That’s not to say they would still be a couple if they had just done one thing differently, or even if the divorce had been a mistake. Although every circumstance is different, it can be beneficial for couples who have gone through a divorce to reflect on and learn from these problems. To avoid the same problems in their subsequent relationships, they might decide to focus more on communication if that was their downfall in the first one.
That would entail mastering fundamental communication techniques like active listening, validating what their new partner is saying (regardless of whether they concur or not), being courageously vulnerable, identifying and expressing their core needs, and expressing gratitude for their new partner, says Dr. Gary Brown, a couples therapist in Los Angeles, to Bustle.
It’s possible that they didn’t acquire certain skills in time to save their marriage, but they can still use them later on. Continue reading for some additional advice from experts on what many divorcing couples wish they had done differently and what they can take away from it.
Recognize Their Influence.
“Because people who are unhappy in their marriages frequently blame their partner for their unhappiness, they frequently don’t realize their own shortcomings and the impact of those shortcomings on their former spouse until after the divorce,” Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in divorce, tells Bustle.
After some time has passed, they realize that their partner’s behavior may not have been entirely to blame and that taking responsibility for their part in the relationship may have helped.
Because of this, Gilbert claims that seeking therapy and accepting accountability for your own deeds “all things that may have had the power to change the outcome of the relationship.”. But even if they failed, the person would know they made every effort to keep the marriage together. “.
Talk about issues sooner.
Especially if they have persisted for a while, relationship issues can be challenging to discuss. According to Bonnie Duarte, RSSW, PCC, a divorce recovery coach and owner of Duarte Coaching, it’s much simpler to ignore them than it is to bring them up and possibly upset everyone.
However, many divorcing couples end up regretting this error as well. They wish they had spoken up rather than just hoping, Duarte says. It can be challenging to connect while a relationship is still in progress, but once a marriage has ended, it may seem like the most obvious solution in the world.
Consider one another’s needs.
Sonia Frontera, a divorce lawyer, author, and empowerment trainer, tells Bustle that after a marriage ends, many couples wish they had paid more attention to each other’s needs and had not taken the union for granted. Once your relationship has hit a stalemate, it is very simple to commit both errors. But they can be avoided.
As Frontera puts it, “spouses need to be vigilant about each other’s needs, monitoring their interactions to make sure they are healthy and loving, and making changes as they go along (to prevent their marriage from ending in divorce).”.
Before getting married, take care of a few things.
Before getting married, some couples regretted that they were aware of potential issues but failed to address them, according to Brown. It’s possible that they had unspoken trust issues or that they struggled with communication.
According to Brown, “This is an especially typical regret and an easy trap to fall into.”. “When we first fall in love, we have a tendency to romanticize our new partner to an extreme, and even when there is evidence to suggest that there may be conflicts in the future, we may choose to stay away from them out of fear of losing the wonderful feelings of being in love. “.
However, as you might imagine, resolving these problems before getting married as well as after, possibly by consulting a couples counselor, can be crucial to preventing divorce.
been more exposed.
Kristina Ferrari, M.S, said that sometimes silence leads to separation or divorce. Bustle is told by Ed, a psychotherapist with a focus on marriage and couple’s therapy. Because without communication, it may be challenging to comprehend one another or resolve the issues that usually lead to a breakup.
“It’s challenging to be open and honest with your partner regarding your needs, wants, and desires, but doing so provides a real opportunity for authentic change,” says Ferrari. “When partners make themselves vulnerable by telling the truth, relationships can recover from the brink. “.
