When faced with conflict, your mind repeats “cool” approximately 5,000 times in Jake Peralta’s voice, because the rest of your body is Amy Santiago-ing — must not offend your superior officer at any cost. It happens frequently: your boss has asked you to do something you really don’t have time for (and is definitely outside of your job description), but you figure you’ll update that spreadsheet anyhow because, really, why argue? It doesn’t mean you never stand up for yourself if you shy away from conflict; it just means that it might not come naturally to you to say what you need to be heard. And by watching how you act in the face of a potential showdown, you can discover a lot about yourself.
“A person’s ability to cope, life experiences, what was modeled by those around you, the implicit and explicit messages you received while you were growing up related to gender, race, culture, society, socioeconomic status, familial expectation, and so many more variables can play a role in how a person approaches (or doesn’t approach) conflict,” says psychotherapist Lillyana Morales, L.
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Because of this, not all people who shy away from conflict share the same personality traits, but there are some similarities nonetheless. For instance, saying “Just walk away” on a regular basis. Here are 18 characteristics of people who avoid conflict.
You are analytical.
A person who avoids conflict might simply feel that a fight isn’t worth the effort, which leads them to leave the situation or change the subject before it gets out of hand. You therefore choose your battles carefully, to put it another way. It does no harm and no foul to analyze a situation before it reaches a point where it cannot be reversed.
You try to win over everyone.
According to Sherese Ezelle, L., “Not wanting to upset others is a common driver of conflict avoidance.”.
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, a behavioral therapist with One Medical. You may be aware that you need to let your best friend know that canceling your plans for the fourth time in a row without providing an explanation is not acceptable. However, you remind yourself that whatever is going on with them is also important. While that may be the case, it may come naturally to you to prioritize the needs of others over your own, or even to ignore them.
You’re a wise person.
If you have ever been in a volatile relationship, you are aware of the dangers of confrontation. Knowing ahead of time that a confrontation might not be worth the potential outcome makes you avoid it. According to author and relationship expert April Masini, who has offices in New York and London, “[someone who avoids confrontation] may feel that the relationship they have with the person provoking them is too valuable to damage with an argument.”.
You’re a Lay Back.
Because you’re a laid-back person, you might also avoid conflict. According to Morales, “we all have a window of tolerance, and the size of this window varies from person to person.”. You’re good at letting things roll off your back, so you might have a high tolerance. Since they’ll figure it out on their own, it doesn’t really bother you when other people are obviously wrong. You have some video games to catch up on in the interim. There’s no sense in worrying about things you can’t change, right?
You’re inactive.
According to Tina B, you might simply have a more passive personality if you would in no way ever write an entire album about your ex, ala Olivia Rodrigo. Tessina is a Ph. D. , a psychotherapist and the author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. “Volatile people are familiar (as in family), and they tend to gravitate toward them, but they are too avoidant to stand up for themselves, so they appease them. It’s not always a bad thing to be passive, but when you don’t defend yourself when you should, the bad feelings are bound to build up.
You might benefit from a confidence booster.
Even though pizza isn’t your girlfriend’s favorite food, you might need to give yourself a few extra pep talks before declaring that you really want to order some for your birthday. According to Morales, who speaks to Bustle, “Avoiding conflict can be well-intentioned, and you can learn how to help it grow and shift if that is what you desire.”. Your fight, freeze, or Amy Santiago journey may include a significant amount of self-confidence practice and affirming that your needs are important.
You struggle under pressure.
The fastest way to learn to stay out of fights is to get burned before. According to Masini, “[conflict-avoidant people] learned the hard way that the stress of confrontation makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it the way a child who touches a hot stove learns not to do so in the future.”.
